I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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