I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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