mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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