How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
