How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
