Betty ford says i'm here all night
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
