playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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