Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
