come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
