my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize