I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I FOUND THE LEGS
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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