im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
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Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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