I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I wish there were birth control emojis
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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