my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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