Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I can't put those talents on a resume
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
