it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
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