So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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