I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
