we have pet lesbian snakes
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
