he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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