I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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