woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Are we still banned from the library?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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