you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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