I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
