Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
