How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
