Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
