Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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