This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
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