phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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