You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
