im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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