perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
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