I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize
