My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize