I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
