I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
