dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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