No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
