I am spending my child support on dildos
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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