I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
