She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
