we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
