did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
