Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You are a genius and a whore.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize