Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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