And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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