He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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