just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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