They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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