I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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