She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
