Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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