I am midnight drunk by noon
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
