so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
