dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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