Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
